I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS FAT

It took me just over 24 years before I could say I actually LOVE what looks back to me in the mirror. Today I can say I feel pretty damn sexy naked. Today I can go clothes shopping without worrying about not fitting the size I want to fit. Today I can step on the scale and don’t care if it has gone up or down. Today I can look at beautiful models in the magazines and NOT wishing their body was my because today I love my body and I’m proud of my body.


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Since I can remember I have always had body issues. I have always been ashamed of my body, always thought something was too big or just not right. I think I was around 11-12 when it started to “bother” me. I remember watching TV SHOP and made(note: forced) my mom buy an ab trainer belt, diet pills, slimming cream and a waist holder. I was a bit of a chubby child and I was obsessed about looking skinny. I wanted to look like the famous, with the tiny waists and perfect bodies. Day and night I applied my slimming cream, every day I wore my waist holder to make my waist slimmer and It was so so tight it was painful using it and it left loads of red marks all over my tummy.
I always thought I looked fat or had too much fat on me. In my head there shouldnt be any Michelin rings when sitting down and my thighs certainly shouldnt doubled in size either. I thought you shouldnt be able to “grab” fat or even have the slightest of fat hanging over your jeans.

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From early age I was searching the web for the easiest weight loss options. Unlucky for me I came across Ana pages(pro anorexic). These websites were covered in sickly skinny girls and promoting anorexia. You could read about advice how to not eat or what to eat when you absolutely had to and how to keep your dirty little secret from friends and family. I remember I once read you could punch yourself in the stomach to make the hunger go away.
I can’t remember how long this was going on for, but thankfully for me I love food, so not eating wasnt ideal for me. Then I found out that i could just throw it all up after ive eaten it instead. Sounded like a much better option at the time. Luckily neither of these ever became a big problem for me, but I think most of us know both girls and boys that have had this as a big issue. However the throwing up thing, didn’t really stop until last year(sadly to admit). It wasnt on a regular basis, but now and again when I felt like ive eaten way too much, id put my finger down my throat. Did I feel better for doing it? Yes, of course. But that feeling only lasted for a minute. Then the shame came and I felt utterly stupid. Still do.
Im just getting to think how I felt when I was in my teenage years contra how it is for teenagers now, there must be a much bigger pressure now then 10 years ago?

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This is one reason I want to promote a healthy life style. It took me 24 years to really get it, although this actually just happened recently – not too long ago I hated my body to every single detail. I still think I will have the stupidly “famous” fat days. But thats pretty normal right?

To really get that wonderful feeling of loving your body and loving yourself can take time. Some people are born with it and some people just really need to fail and try again until they get were they want to be in life.
Last year when I did my first competition I was very skinny, nearly no body fat on me at all. I did like my body then, but today I am about 6 kg heavier, more muscle and body fat and I just adore my body. I feel so good in my own skin. If someone asked me to walk naked down the street you’d bet Id do it(don’t take me seriously). But don’t get me wrong, my body is far from “prefect”, I have cellulite and stretch marks but I don’t fucking care. I love my body anyways.
But of course there is improvements I want to get done, I want to be a bit leaner(just personal preference), more muscles, I want to have a bigger bum and Iwant bigger boobs. The 3 first I can easily get done myself, unfortunately the 4th I have to pay for(when my bank account allows it) – but that’s the only “negative” outcome of having the lifestyle I have(will be discussed in a future blog post). BUT I STILL LOVE MY BODY.

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And I think its time for you to do the same thing. Take action and do not just sit around moaning or do anything that can be harmful to yourself. For me it took weights, shaping my body and a fitness lifestyle to find it. For you it might be the same or maybe just simply change your diet around, join a gym or cut down on something. Either way, stop moaning and do whatever it takes(no dramatic crash diets) to love your body.

I think a lot of girls(and boys) will relate to what I have just written. I think even though you don´t think the person have body issues, it might be the one thing they think about everyday. 

0 Comment

  1. AF says: Reply

    I think the fourth picture is perhaps the most powerful I’ve ever seen on the internet and actually adds to the beauty of you and this article.

    1. Aw thanks a lot. Appreciate the feedback.

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